Seriously Wrong
by Aragorn67
Summary: Haldir is your typical woodland elf, but what happens when something goes Seriously Wrong. plz R&R!
1. The Birthday

Seriously Wrong  
  
(Haldir, Your typical woodland elf. A March warden, a loyal protector for his country, and of course a blonde. But what happens when something in Middle Earth goes wrong. Seriously wrong.)  
  
Haldir walked through the woods with his brothers. Singing his favorite ancient song. Now today was no ordinary day, it was Haldir's birthday. Orophin, and Rumil, his brothers had planned a surprise party for him, and were taking him to it. "What a fine day it is. Don't you agree?" asked Haldir as he strode happily through the woods. "Yes it is brother" Orophin replied. "A little hot" said Rumil fanning himself with his hand. Soon they were near the party site. Suddenly many elves sprang out from behind trees, and bushes, yelling "SURPRISE", and "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Haldir was shocked that the party was for him. "Did you two plan this for me?" asked Haldir to his brothers. "Yes. We thought that your 4,999th birthday was a special one." "Shh! Don't say that out loud! People will think I'm old!" whispered Haldir. All of a sudden a thing dressed in black swung from a tree branch, and grabbed Haldir. "BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!" cackled the evil menace stuffing Haldir in a sack, and running away" "SURPRISE!!!!" Yelled Celeborn jumping out from behind a tree. "You're a little late" said Orophin.  
  
"Where are you taking me?!" yelled the helpless Haldir. The tall black figure rose its head. "Mordorrrrr" it hissed. "You're a nazgul!" yelped Haldir. "yessssss. My massssster isss taking hisssssss revenge on you." Said the nazgul. "But I didn't even get to eat my cake!" yelled the outraged Haldir.  
  
The two make it to Mordor, and Haldir is brought before that flaming eye that is Sauron. "CELEBORN!!! YOU HELPED THE FELLOWSHIP PROTECT MY RING!!!" boomed the eye angrily. "I am not Celeborn!" squeaked Haldir. "DO NOT TRY TO FOOL ME!!! MY EYE DOES NOT LIE!!!" yelled Sauron. "Don't hurt me!" cried Haldir crumbling to the floor. "YOU SHALL PAY!!!!" yelled Sauron, and a blinding light flashed. Haldir had been knocked unconscious.  
  
Haldir woke up in a field near Lothlorien. His clothes no longer had fit him. He stood up, and looked around. "Wow the trees seem to be much taller" said Haldir. Haldir examined himself, and realized.."I'M A HOBBIT!!!!!" Haldir screamed, and started running around in his baggy clothes. He slowly reached for the top of his head, and realized that his blonde straight hair was now short, and curly. "NOOOOOOO!!!!!" He yelled falling to the ground. "How can I go on!" cried Haldir miserably. "This is Seriously Wrong!" He yelled kicking a tree in frustration, which only caused a hurt furry blonde foot. "OWWWW!!!!! CRAP!!!!" screamed Haldir jumping up, and down holding his foot. "The end is near!" yelled Haldir.  
  
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(What do you think? Should I keep going? Please review!) 


	2. Of Mushrooms

Of Mushrooms  
  
The sun was setting, and the sky was turning gray. Haldir decided to sulk back home grumbling. "Stupid ring..mumble mumble..stupid fellowship..No cake. Wait! I should've been in the fellowship!" yelled Haldir angrily. "That's it! I'm going to follow them after I get home!" He said to himself. When he got there he made sure not to breathe too loudly, or he would be shot in the dark. Haldir climbed up to his cozy flet, and started to pack food, and some of his clothing from when he was young. "That should do it" said Haldir closing his pack. "Time to set off" He climbed down his tree, and climbed on a horse named Newybro, and galloped off into the night on the trail of the fellowship.  
  
***Meanwhile*** Orophin, and Rumil are still standing where they were from the party. "Um Rumil?" "Yeah" "Do you think we should um you know do something about our brother being kidnapped?" asked Orophin. "Nah, we have cake" said Rumil diving into Haldir's untouched cake."Yeah!" said Orophin stuffing his face with chocolate cake.  
  
***Back to Haldir*** "Ah ha!" said Haldir picking up Boromir's dead body "They've been here before, and they forgot to dispose of this." Haldir pauses for a moment. "Ya know I've always wanted to push someone off of a waterfall" said Haldir grinning evily at Boromir. Haldir runs to the river, and throws Boromir off of the waterfall. "BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!" laughed Haldir. "Wait! What is that smell?" Haldir said sniffing the air. "I have a sudden crave for a lembas, and mushroom sandwich, or maybe just the mushrooms" Haldir ran to the river bank, and found a patch of mushrooms. He grabbed them, and stuffed them in his mouth. "Yes the tasty goodness!" said Haldir wiping dirt from his mouth. "and now for a bath" he said throwing off his clothes, and diving into a calm part of the river. "Ew! I need a shave" he said as he grabbed a razor, and started to shave his feet. "Hobbits must be the most disgusting creatures ever!" Haldir yelled. Suddenly the evil A/67 Haldir's stalker confiscated his clothes. "BWA HA HA HA HA HA-*hack, cough*A HA HA HA!!!!" she laughed, and ran away perhaps never to be seen again. "crap" said Haldir in shock. "I thought I got rid of her" He got out, and found that she had left one outfit, and a note that said the following...  
  
Dear Haldir, I have taken your clothing hostage. If you want to see it again you must marry me, and be mine forever, and ever BWA HA HA HA HA!!!!!! Foreverly your lover, A/67  
  
Haldir put the note down, and looked up to see an apple in a tree. He jumped up, but was too short. "WHY A HOBBIT SAURON!!!!! WHY!!!!!" he screamed, and fell to his knees. "Valar help me!" Haldir cried.  
  
(What do you think? Please review me! 


	3. The Partner

*****The Partner*****  
  
Haldir woke up from a moss bed that he had cried himself to sleep earlier that night. He decided to get an early start, and would make for Rohan. "Hmmmm..What to eat for breakfast? Lembas, or lembas?" said Haldir pulling lembas out of his pack, and taking a bite. "Wow! I'm stuffed." He said patting his stomach. The elf climbed onto his horse, and galloped toward Rohan. When he arrived at Edoras four of the nine companions were sitting out side the hall of King Theoden. "What's taking them so long!" shouted Gimli. "Typical humans. So slow at everything" Legolas grumbled twirling a bit of his hair. "Hey! I'm not slow!" yelled Aragorn. "It's not my fault that you're an inferior being" taunted Legolas. "Who are you calling inferior!?" Aragorn screamed. "That's it I'm out of here" said Legolas walking down the steps. "Pssst!" whispered Haldir beckoning to Legolas. Legolas walked over to him curiously. "I didn't know there were Hobbits in Rohan" said Legolas. "It's me Haldir!" squeaked the hobbit-like-whatever thing he currently is. "Do not try to joke master hobbit. I am on a serious mission" laughed Legolas. "No! Let me explain!" said Haldir quickly. "I was at my birthday party, and all of a sudden a nazgul grabbed me, and took me to Mordor mistaking me for Celeborn. Sauron thought that I was he, and turned me into a hobbit." "Right" said Legolas beginning to think that the short furry thing was insane. "I'm not joking!" yelled Haldir. "Well what do you want me for?" asked Legolas. "Do you hate the rest of the fellowship?" Haldir asked grinning evily. "Yes! They are all a pain in the butt." Said Legolas. "Do you want to take revenge?" Haldir asked. His smile broadening. "Well. Yes I do." Legolas decided. "Then you must join me Legolas, and together we will destroy the sith!" said Haldir. "The what?" asked Legolas. "oops sorry I got a little carried away there. And together we will make their lives a nightmare! Laughed Haldir evilly. "I will join you!" Legolas put his hand out, and Haldir put his hand over Legolas'. "ELVES RULE!" They yelled. "So what's the plan" Legolas questioned. "Um. Well first we should take revenge on Elrond for forming the fellowship." Haldir said. "Yeah! It's all his fault!" shouted Legolas. They both climbed onto their horses, and made for Rivendell. Haldir had a plan to take the ultimate revenge on the one who didn't invite him into the fellowship. As for Legolas, He is such a follower. Legolas really has no reason to be mad at Elrond. Legolas thinks back to when the fellowship was all together.  
  
***Flashback***  
  
"I'll get the firewood!" yelled Aragorn running into the woods. "I'll cook the food!" shouted Sam filling his pans with water. "We'll find the food!" Merry, and Pippin screamed. "I'll keep the ring safe!" yelled Frodo putting the ring in his pocket. Legolas was about to get up when Boromir puts his hand on Legolas' shoulder. "You don't have to do anything. All of the jobs are being taken care of" Boromir said running off.  
  
***End of Flashback***  
  
"Lousy...grumble grumble...Boromir...stupid" Legolas grumbled angrily. "To think that he had a right to touch my shouder! Ha! He thought wrong!" yelled Legolas. "Ok Legolas. I think maybe we should stop, and take a break. The heat is giving you mood swings" Haldir said climbing off of his horse, and stepping on a thorn. "CRAP!!! OWWWW!!!!!" Screamed Haldir jumping up, and down. "You have to pull it out!" Legolas yelled. "Ouch!" sniffled Haldir pulling the thorn out of his furry foot. "I will be getting some shoes. Stupid hobbits, and their weird habits" said Haldir sitting down under a tree.  
  
(please review! Only a click away!) 


	4. The Fun Begins

***The Fun Begins***  
  
Haldir, and Legolas traveled the long distance back to Rivendell. "We'll need disguises" said Haldir as they were approaching Imladris. "I have a few black outfits in my pack" said Legolas. "They won't fit me remember!" Haldir said angrily. He had become much more irritable since Legolas couldn't recognize him in Rohan. "We could put leaves on you" suggested Legolas. "No. I have an idea." Said Haldir pulling a whoopee cushion out of his pocket. "We don't need disguises after all. All we need is to put this on Elrond's chair, and not get seen" explained Haldir. "You may take the first fire" said Legolas gesturing to the dining hall. Haldir crept into the hall, and placed the blown up woopie cushion on Elrond's chair. Later that evening all of the guests were about to sit down. "Let the feast begin!" said Elrond sitting down. As soon as he touched the chair the woopie cushion exploded, and the noise echoed off of the walls. Elrond's face turned beet red. He picked up the cushion, and threw it on the ground angrily. "Elladan!!!! Elrohir!!!!" He screamed. The almost identical twins stood up curiously. "Which one of you did this!" Elrond roared. "I wouldn't do that. That's childish" said Elladan. "Ditto" chimed in Elrohir. "Argh!" Elrond grunted, sitting back down. Back outside Legolas, and Haldir were sore with laughter. "That was brilliant!" cheered Legolas. "I have another plan for tomorrow" Haldir said grinning evily, and rubbing his hands together.  
  
***The Next Day***  
  
Haldir, and Legolas woke up very early in the bush that they fell asleep on. "Ok time for part two of my scheme" said Haldir. "What's for part two?" asked Legolas. "Purple dye plus laundry room equals purple clothing" Haldir said holding up a bottle of purple dye. The two crept into the laundry room, and poured the dye into the giant washing tub. Hours later a scream was uttered, and heard throughout Imladris. "All of my clothes are purple!" cried Elrond. "Aw it can't be that bad my lord" comforted Glorfindel. "Purple is not a male elf's color! Male elves do not wear purple!" screamed Elrond about to throw a tantrum. "Um yeah..not an elf's color" said Glorfindel trying to hide the purple robes he was wearing. Outside the door, Haldir, and Legolas were laughing evily. "He's so miserable!" laughed Legolas. "While we're here let's play a little trick on Arwen" said Legolas. "Good idea!" Haldir exclaimed holding up a pair of scissors. "She usually naps around this time, now's our chance." Whispered Haldir, creeping into the room. Arwen was asleep back up, and was drooling on her pillow. Haldir, and Legolas snipped at her brown hair until it was short on one side, and medium length on the other. The two snuck out of her room, and took cover just outside her window. When she awoke, she screamed in terror that her hair was ruined. Elrond ran into the room all in purple to see Arwen sobbing. "Who ever is behind this! What is wrong with you people!!!!???" Elrond screamed. The hobbit, and elf left Imladris, and decided to find another victim. "Who should we get now?" asked Legolas. Haldir smiled his evil smile "Aragorn" and with that he threw his head back "BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA *choke, hack* A HA HA HA HA HA!!!!  
  
(Please review!) 


	5. Taking Revenge Can Be Hard

Taking Revenge Can Be Hard  
  
Our two revenge-seeking friends left for Rohan early the next day. "So what do you have planned for Aragorn" asked Legolas. "You'll see" said Haldir hopping on his pony. "Blast! I hate being short!" Haldir yelled missing the pony's back by a mile. "Here" said Legolas as he lifted Haldir onto the pony. The two galloped away, and made it back to Edoras in fifteen days. "Hey! Where is everybody?" said Haldir puzzled. "We were supposed to tell the king about something, but I forget what" Legolas said. "Shoot! Where could those filthy animals be!" yelled Haldir. "Just because I didn't take a bath for eight days doesn't mean you have to tease me!" said Legolas angrily. Haldir slowly inched away from him. "I was talking about Aragorn, Gimli, and Gandalf" said Haldir. "Oh yeah! Now I remember! They're headed for Helms Deep" said Legolas as if remembering something that happened ages ago. "Thank you" Haldir said as he galloped toward Helms Deep. "Hey! Wait for meeeeee!" Legolas screamed, and followed closely behind. They came to Helms Deep to see an army of Lothlorian elves marching up to the wall. Haldir jumped off his pony, and strode in front of them forgetting that he was a hobbit. The army halted confused. Haldir stepped toward Theoden boastfully. "An alliance once existed between elves, and men. Long ago we fought, and died together. We come to honor that allegiance" finished Haldir. He had been planning that speech for months, and was proud that he hadn't messed up. "But you're a hobbit!" cried Theoden. "Shut up you fool!" yelled Haldir running into the fortress. "What a strange little creature" said Orophin to Rumil. "That voice sounded so familiar, but it was probably the cake" Rumil thought, clutching his stomach. Suddenly Celeborn jumped out from behind the army. "SURPRISE!!! Happy birthday!" he yelled. Orophin smacked him in the head. "He's been doing this ever since Haldir was taken" said Rumil embarrassed to Theoden. Legolas snuck into the fortress when no one was looking, and found Haldir. "So what do you have planned" Legolas whispered into Haldir's ear. Haldir grinned evily, and held up Aragorn's quiver. "What's that for?" asked Legolas. Haldir pulled out a toy sword, and suction cup arrows. "Umm Haldir? Aragorn isn't here" said Legolas. "What do you mean not here!" yelled Haldir. "Well I just got word that he's dead" Legolas said solemnly. "That piece of scum! He didn't even come to my birthday party, and now I can't take revenge on him!" screamed Haldir. "I know where he fell, so lets go!" Both hopped onto their ponys, and galloped toward the valley where the wargs came. "I found his necklace! He must've fallen over the cliff " said Legolas picking up evenstar. "Well don't just stand there!" Haldir yelled throwing off his shirt, and jumping off of the cliff. "That is one brave hobbit" Legolas said to himself before jumping off after him. They drifted down the river until they saw a heap of clothing on a small bank. They climbed onto the shore, and found that it was a battle worn Aragorn. "Breathe you freak! I must take my revenge on you!" Haldir yelled pushing on his stomach. "Hey he ruined our gift!" Haldir said picking up a tattered Lothlorian cloak. "I don't think it was his fault. I mean he fell off of a cliff into a river" said Legolas trying to calm Haldir down. "He doesn't deserve help!" Haldir screamed. "Fine I'll do it, " said Legolas pushing on Aragorn's stomach. Aragorn made a funny gurgling noise, and spit out some water. "What are you doing here Leggy- poo" asked Aragorn groggily. "Leggy-poo?!" Legolas asked angrily. "Leggy- poo! Ha ha that's good!" laughed Haldir, and started rolling on the ground in laughter. "You are needed at Helms Deep" said Legolas helping Aragorn sit up, ignoring the laughing, rolling Haldir. "Come with me" said Aragorn romantically grabbing Legolas' hand. "Are you feeling ok Aragorn?" Legolas asked. "Of course lov-I mean Legolas" Aragorn said. "Lets just go" said Legolas climbing up the bank. "Coming Leggy-poo!" shouted Haldir sniggering. "Yes we're coming darling" said Aragorn getting up. "Did you just call him darling?" asked Haldir holding back a burst of laughter. "I didn't get your name yet master hobbit. What is it?" Aragorn asked trying to switch the subject. "Haldir is my name" said Haldir. "There was this guy in Lorien that had the same name!" Aragorn said excitedly. "The dwarf breathes so loud we could've shot him in the dark" Haldir recited to Aragorn. "Haldir? Is that you?" asked Aragorn. "Yes it's me, but it's a long story of why I'm a hobbit" Haldir said trying to sound impressive. "Leggy-poo can I have a kiss?" asked Aragorn leaning towards Legolas. "Auta miqula orqu (go kiss an orc) " said Legolas angrily. "Wow that was harsh" Haldir sniggered. "Amin feuya ten' lle (you disgust me)" said Legolas angrily. He was moody for the rest of the trip. When they reached Helms Deep Haldir found 'his' elves, and started ordering them around. They still didn't know who he was so there was mass confusion. "You! Stand over there" Haldir ordered a young elf. The elf walked over, but another elf smashed into him, and there was a chain reaction. "Dominoes!" yelled Haldir clapping his hands. Very soon after it was getting dark, and Haldir prepared to take revernge. He crept over to Aragorn's pile of weapons, armor, and such. Legolas realized what he was doing, and went over to help. They switched his sword for a toy one, took all of his arrows, and switched them with suction cup ones. "Woah! This sword is heavy" said Haldir dragging Audril. "You call these arrows? More like cheese." Said Legolas laughing at Aragorn's cheap arrows. Celeborn jumped out from behind a pile of armor. "CHEESE!" he screamed, and ran away laughing like a girl. When the Uruk hai came a stupid human made the first shot. It killed an orc in the front line, angering the others. "So it begins" said Theoden in a separate room as his stories started on the TV. "Wait! My lord Middle Earth doesn't have TVs" said Hama at his side. "Oh! My soaps" Hama said sitting next to Theoden. Outside the battle was raging. Aragorn jumped off of the wall, and onto a rock. "Behold! Narsil the sword that was broken, and reforged!" he screamed drawing out the plastic sword. "Aw crap!" he yelled, and started climbing back up the wall. "That was even better than expected!" laughed Haldir. "He didn't even know!" Legolas chortled. "Next stop is Frodo Baggins" said Haldir evilly rubbing his hands together. He threw his head back "BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA *hack cough*" he falls on the ground choking. 


	6. Hobbit plus Human equals um something

*****Hobbit plus Human equals um something*****  
  
Haldir, and Legolas left Helms Deep to go, and find Frodo. "Do you have any new plans for our revenge on Frodo?" asked Legolas. "Yes a very good, and devious plan" said Haldir. "I can't wait to take revenge on that pale little brat-" said Legolas cut off because a nazgul had swooped down, and grabbed him. "Try to escape!" yelled Haldir. "Ssssssit ssssssstill" the nazgul hissed at Legolas. Haldir tried to run after them but the wraith's fell beast was too fast. He watched them until they were out of sight. "Crap. Now I have no partner in crime" said Haldir sulking in the direction of Mordor. It took him almost a month to get to the black gates. "I've got to sneak in, and save Legolas" said Haldir hiding behind a rock.  
  
***Meanwhile***  
  
Legolas was taken to Mordor, and thrown before the great eye "THRANDUIL! YOU HAVE BEEN HELPING CELEBORN!" said the eye. "I'm not Thranduil!" squeaked Legolas. "DON'T TRY TO FOOL ME! YOU SHALL PAY FOR HELPING CELEBORN!" the eye boomed. "nooooo!!!!" screamed Legolas, and all went black. He had fallen unconscious. When he woke up he found that he was not a hobbit, but a human!  
  
(A/n as a band plays DA DA DAAAAAAA)  
  
*** Haldir had finally snuck in through the black gates to retrieve his lost elfin friend. "Wow I didn't know I could run that fast" said Haldir huffing, and puffing because he had just run away from a bunch of orcs. "I have to go through this, and I didn't even get to enjoy my cake" Haldir thought. "Why did Sauron have to make his stupid tower so far away" said Haldir sarcastically.  
  
*** Legolas had turned into a human that looked almost exactly like Aragorn. "Why me! Haldir has cursed me!" he screamed banging his head against the wall of Barad dur. "Hey easy on the tower!" Sauron yelled. "My beautiful blonde hair is now brown, and greasy!" Legolas cried falling to his knees. "The end is near" he shouted, and curled into a ball sucking his thumb.  
  
*** Haldir had decided to take a rest, and to find Legolas in the morning. He sat down in a bed of moss where a week later two hobbits would lie, and have herbs and stewed rabbit. "I hate rocks" Haldir decided as he pulled sharp rocks out of his swollen feet. "I really need to get some shoes" he thought pulling a large rock from between his toes. "That Frodo is going to get more than I thought I was going to give him" Haldir said grinning evilly. He threw his hobbity head back, and cackled "BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!" 


	7. Saving Leggy

*****Saving Leggy*****  
  
Haldir awoke early, and snuck into Barad Dur. He was determined to find Legolas. "gotta find him! Gotta find him!" He ran around to the back of the tower, and found his friend slumped over on a patch of grass. "Don't look at me Haldir! Don't look at me!" cried Legolas, and turned away. "What's wrong?" said Haldir. "Don't look at my shame!" "It can't be any worse than being a hobbit said Haldir. "Oh but it is!" Legolas turns around to show his human face. "OH MY GOD!!!" Haldir screamed before vomiting all over Legolas. "I know!" said Legolas as he started crying. "Don't worry Legolas. We'll have our revenge yet!" Haldir said getting up. "WE RIDE!" Legolas got up and looked around. "But there are no horses" "Oh yeah I forgot" said Haldir "Well then.we run!" yelled Haldir and he started running in the direction of the Dead Marshes.  
  
***  
  
The two arrived at the marshes to find Frodo and Sam right where they had planned to take revenge. "quietly now" said Haldir tiptoeing from one stinking pile of filth to another. "its so icky" Legolas cringed pulling his foot out of a mud puddle. "Ok here's the plan. Using mainly piles of filth we pummel the two brats with filth, and um...make them miserable!" finished Haldir seeming proud of his highly original plan. "That's great! Totally genious!" said Legolas grabbing a bunch of filth. "Ok on three. One.Two.Three!!!" yelled Haldir and both started chucking filth at the hobbits. "Gah Mr. Frodo! What the heck is going on?!?!" Sam coughed as filth rained down on them. "I Don't know Sam!" Soon they were covered in filth, and very disgruntled little hobbits. "That was so funny!" Haldir snorted. "I know they're so mad!" laughed Legolas. "I have one more trick up my sleeve, but we'll have to wait until nightfall.  
  
***  
  
Later that night the hobbit and human crept out of their hiding spots and over to Frodo, and Sam's camp. "Ok now take this" whispered Haldir tossing toilet paper rolls at Legolas.  
  
***  
  
The hobbits woke up early that morning completely covered in toilet paper. "Wah?" said Sam looking confused. "SOMEONE TP'D US!!!" yelled Frodo ripping out of the toilet paper cocoon he was covered in. "That was so brilliant!" sniggered Legolas. "What can I say. I just have the talent" said Haldir trying to act modest. "Plan make Frodo miserable is complete" "So who are we getting now?" asked Legolas. Haldir grinned his classic evil grin "Gimli" Then once again he threw his head back, and laughed "BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!  
  
(sorry this took so long, I've been really busy. Please review!) 


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